Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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