So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
please don't ironically join a cult
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