Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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