My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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