"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
