Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
