so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
