My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
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