get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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