I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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