Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
