how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
