my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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