I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
