just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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