When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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