i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
