Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
