I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
