I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
