i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
