You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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