I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
