If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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