I am spending my child support on dildos
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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