So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
