Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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