Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Randomize
