He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
