Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
