So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
