you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
