I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
