I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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