shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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