U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
