You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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