we have pet lesbian snakes
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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