A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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