He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize