I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
