"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
