he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
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