sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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