Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
