can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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