highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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