God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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