That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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