i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
