My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
