i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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