Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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