So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
