Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
