She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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