She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
