Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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