Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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