the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize