Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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